My life swings violently between extremes. Like if today was the first day you had ever met me, you’d probably be vaguely disappointed with what you saw; rolled up sweatpants, dirty Nikes and 100 yard stare peeking out from behind next-level eyebags, slowly stalking around used videogame shops for a cheap copy of Guitar Hero 3. Then later I managed to get up the energy t

o sit in front of the TV and watch the entire run down of The Offspring’s 50 Rock Videos You Have To Download. You might describe me as a lazy bum, and for that day you’d be right. Had you bumped into me on Monday though, oooof sir, you’d have a different story to tell. Well except for the Nikes.

Monday morning began at 6am. It is no exaggeration here that the only times I ever see 6am are if I’m catching a flight to the US or I’m getting the bus back from town after an ill-advised session at Satan’s. I have maybe 2 hours to get to Manchester to meet with Vic from NOISE Festival and do my interview spot on BBC Radio Manchester and then later paint a live portrait of Chancellor Alistair Darling to launch the NOISE Dream Jobs for 2008. Already stressed by this fairly weighty responsibility after only 5 minutes of being awake I decide to burn off the tension on the ole ‘AT Cruiser’, or the exercise bike to you guys. Then it’s into the shower and on to the bus where I listen to various musical classics from the Fall Out Boy ouvre in an effort to kickstart my personality.

I don’t like to be cocky, even though I am the best at it, but those of you who happened to catch the interview witnessed maybe the most sublime 3 minutes of 2hands based, Noise Festival pimping you’re ever going to hear on the radio. But my press-juggernaut couldn’t stay parked as it’s on to prepare for the main event; the arrival of Chancellor Darling. Even though there was hours of preparation and waiting and fuss the time limit I had to paint him in turned out to only be 30 minutes, so yeah, no time for love Dr Jones. With game-time approaching I figured a hungry artist is not a happy artist so I ran off to remedy this while final preparations were being made. If you learn nothing else from this blog do not ever eat at Subway before a meeting with the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Three words; Bad. Jalapeno. Experience.

So anyway, the D-Boy rolls up with his press people and entourage. Furious painting of eyebrows is happening at the same time as talking and TV filming and pens falling out of my hat at inopportune moments and canvasses wobbling around on McGuyvered-up easels, although between the struggle to maintain art-focus and the jalapenos destroying my insides I really couldn’t tell you much in the way of specifics. Apparently there were some gypsies? And there might have been a secret service guy in the corner acting like Solid Snake? All I know is that despite the pressure my art jutsu was strong and there’s gonna be an extra painting on the walls at Downing Street, you feel me?

So Captain Eyebrows leaves and everyone collapses from exhaustion and breathes a collective sigh of relief, except for me who realises my toes have clearly been sticking out a hole in the side of my right shoe the entire time. Then I summoned some more personality for another newspaper interview and answer more questions about my life and style and 2hands alter-ego, which by this time is all starting to feel a little Bruce Wayne/Vicky Vale.

What am I trying to get at here? I’m saying that thanks to Noise Festival I had another first class day with members of the British Government. I’m also saying that this press shindig is some hardass, grindcore work. Not like working in a mine work, more like completing a mental concentration marathon, but still you wouldn’t believe how much sleep I needed afterwards. So next time you see me fumbling around Stockport looking like a slovenly tramp please give me a break, cause chances are I just finished rocking your world somewhere and you don’t even know about it yet.

-2hands

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